Angry Mans Travel Tips
August 2004
It's a funny thing, travelling. When you're not, you want to and when you are, sometimes you just want it to end....but have you ever wondered why? I hadn't, until I found myself irritable for the 100th time in just one day. I had no reason to be, not in Ireland of all places, where the pace is relaxed and the locals friendly, but there I was, screaming out the window at some poor guy out for a mid afternoon jog "You'd better run mother f@#ker!"
The poor bastard ducked for cover and my travelling companion turned in shock horror and thumped my arm, "Matthew Bacon, what has come over you?!" I was laughing like a hyena by this stage and for the rest of the trip, every time I saw someone running I would yell "you'd better run mother f@#ker!" only to be punched .
So what caused these outbursts? In a word....boredom. After three days of marvelling the serenity of picturesque southern Ireland from the front of our rental, I had cabin fever. At least I had a motorized version of cabin fever. As good as the holiday was, I needed a change of scenery and so did my friend. She was already stressed at the thought of the work piling up back home and relaxing had become impossible. The simple, relaxed and carefree lives of the locals wasn't helping either of us and my outburst summed up the mood.
So what's the deal with stressing on holiday? What are the causes and where can we find the cure?
1. Planning - When you plan a trip you build up an expectation of how things will go. Your mental images come from glossy brochures, so when your trip turns to shit, you shatter your own dreams and that is no where near as much fun as shattering someone else's! My advice - Don't plan!
2. Lack of Planning - Try flying by the seat of your pants like I do. It's guaranteed to cause more than one stressful moment. I once spent a whole month sleeping in the boot (trunk) of a small rental car because I was too disorganised to arrange something better before I got there. When I did arrive, everything was completely booked out. Man, was I smelly piece of crap by the end of that trip! My advice - Do a little planning!
3. Kids under five - Commonly referred to as screaming sacks of holiday misery. Whether they're yours or someone else's, these bundles of joy are bound to dissolve the hardiest of smiles. Try flying 20 hours straight with a bag of misery screaming full tilt the whole way. Absolute torture! The other place these creatures will get you is when you sit down for a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant. Hello public tantrum and parents with zero control! My advice - Don't fly and if you are a parent, send your kids to camp!
4. Money - When was the last time that you actually took a holiday you could afford? Seriously. I'm still paying off a trip to Austria in 1995, let alone the five world tours since! My advice - Don't take a credit card!
5. Proximity - This is where you have spent way too long with either yourself and/or your travelling companion. If it's the former, it can lead to insanity and poor hygiene. The latter however, is far more serious and could lead to anything from losing your best friend to sleeping with them. My advice - Use a condom!
6. Luggage - You ALWAYS have too much to carry and you never take the things you need. My advice - Just take a tooth brush and a credit card!
7. Tourists - These proverbial pains-in-the-arse are friggin everywhere! Easily identified by their slow moving bodies and stupid stares. The worst are the ones that have over planned, are in to the second week of their trip, have no money left and are tailed by four whinging kids under age five. My advice - Take the husbands credit card, he's given up caring what happens. Sleep with the wife, she obviously puts out. Make the kids carry your excess luggage, if you have to suffer their whining, make them pay for it.
Angry Man